Recognising and recovering from narcissistic abuse
I have experienced the deep and lasting impact of narcissistic abuse on my life. In this latest blog, “Recognising and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse,” I share some personal insights. As the emotional scars inflicted by someone with narcissistic personality disorder often linger long after the relationship has ended. In my case this lead to self-doubt, anxiety, trust issues and panic attacks all things that can affect mental health, sleep, relationships and cast a shadow over everyday aspects of daily life.
The purpose of this blog is to share valuable resources to help heal and educate people like me who have been affected by narcissistic abuse.
Definition of narcissistic abuse and its characteristics
Narcissistic abuse refers to a pattern of manipulative, exploitative, and harmful behaviors perpetrated by a person with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder. This type of abuse is often emotional and psychological, rather than physical, and is characterized by the abuser’s need to maintain control and power while undermining the victim’s sense of self-worth and reality.
Book: Is This Love or Narcissism?
“Is This Love or Narcissism” is a ground-breaking guide that uncovers the insidious nature of narcissistic abuse and provides you with the tools and strategies you need to break free from toxic relationships. Author Cassandra McBride draws on her own personal journey as well as her extensive experience helping countless individuals navigate the complexities of narcissistic partnerships, to create a comprehensive roadmap for reclaiming your life and your sense of self. You can purchase it here: Is This Love or Narcissism?
Characteristics of Narcissistic Abuse
- Gaslighting: The abuser manipulates the victim’s perception of reality, making them doubt their memories, feelings, or experiences.
- Emotional Manipulation: The narcissist uses guilt, shame, and other emotional tactics to control the victim’s behaviour and feelings.
- Devaluation: After an initial phase of idealization, the abuser often shifts to critiquing, belittling, or dismissing the victim, reducing their self-esteem over time.
- Lack of Empathy: The narcissist often shows a profound inability to empathize with the victim, disregarding their feelings and needs.
- Isolation: The abuser may attempt to isolate the victim from support systems, such as family and friends, making the victim more dependent on the abuser.
- Projection: The narcissist may accuse the victim of the very behaviors or feelings that they themselves exhibit, distorting blame and responsibility.
- Hoovering: After a period of distance or separation, the abuser may attempt to suck the victim back into the relationship through gestures or promises of change.
- Control and Dominance: The abuser maintains an overarching control over the victim’s life, often dictating their choices, behaviours, and interactions.
- Inconsistent Behaviour: The narcissistic individual often alternates between kindness and cruelty, creating an unpredictable environment that keeps the victim on edge.
- Victim Blaming: The abuser often shifts responsibility for their actions onto the victim, leading the victim to feel responsible for the abuse.
Book: If Only I'd Known
This therapist-written and recommended 3-part book will help you understand the inner workings of a narcissist, heal from narcissistic abuse, and experience sustainable post-traumatic growth.
If Only I’d Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth Kindle Edition
by Chelsey Brooke Cole (Author). You can buy it here: If Only I’d Known
How did narcissistic abuse affect me?
Speaking personally, living with the after-effects of narcissistic abuse initially felt like trying to find my way through a dense fog. My mind was muddled and I was unable to distinguish my own thoughts and feelings from the negative thoughts and feelings that my narcissistic had systematically implanted deep withing my mind. I couldn’t sleep, because my sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) understand more about the body’s stress response here. Was in full overdrive mode. I started to exhibit signs of psychological damage and I became physically sick. With a multitude of serious illnesses manifesting themselves within a short period of time.
Over the years, researchers have learned that over time, repeated activation of the stress response takes a toll on the body. And the research suggests that chronic stress contributes to high blood pressure, promotes the formation of artery-clogging deposits, and causes brain changes that may contribute to anxiety, depression, and addiction. In addition to more preliminary research which suggests that chronic stress may also contribute to obesity, both through direct mechanisms (causing people to eat more) or indirectly (decreasing sleep and exercise).
In short, my sustained abuse had damaged my mind and was shortening my life.
Book: Healing and Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
Healing and Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: Rebuild your Life and Reclaim your Happiness After Narcissistic Trauma Paperback by Joanna Redfern.
Aims to serve as the ultimate guide to healing and growing from emotional abuse. After finishing it, you’ll be ready to embark on your recovery journey and regain control over your life.
By reading this book, you’ll understand what you need to do to sustain healing and build a solid future. You can purchase a copy here: Healing and Recovery
Why does narcissistic abuse have such a deep and lasting impact?
Narcissistic abuse profoundly affects victims because the abuser who has narcissistic personality disorder and therefore lacks: empathy, compassion, or humanity; deliberately and systematically, destroys the victim from inside their own minds. It’s becomes the perfect trap because, how does one escape one’s own mind? So, it is a form of ‘evil’ insidious brainwashing, taken to the point that the victim no longer has contact with reality and has become fully immersed in the narcissist’s fantasy world. A world where the narcissist holds absolute power and is able to manipulate the mood, thoughts and emotions of their trauma bonded ‘willing,’ captive.
This wicked combination of emotional manipulation, psychological coercion, and erosion of self-esteem and identity, perpetrated by cruel monster, often against someone who has been tricked into ‘love’, is dependent or is in emotional need. Often completely unravels and unhinges the victim. Below is a deeper exploration of how and why this type of abuse has such a lasting impact.
1. Psychological Manipulation: Narcissistic abusers often employ tactics like gaslighting, which cause victims to doubt their own perceptions and feelings. This systematic undermining of reality can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a diminished sense of self-worth. Victims may become increasingly dependent on the abuser for validation and approval, further entrenching the cycle of abuse.
2. Erosion of Self-Esteem: Narcissistic abuse typically involves constant criticism, belittlement, and blaming. Over time, victims internalize these negative messages, leading to significant drops in self-esteem. They may feel unworthy, ashamed, or guilty, which can perpetuate feelings of helplessness and isolation. The ongoing devaluation can make it extremely difficult for victims to rebuild their self-image, even after leaving the abusive relationship.
3. Isolation: Narcissistic abusers often isolate their victims from friends, family, and support systems. This isolation not only makes it harder for victims to seek help or find validation outside the abuser but also reinforces the abuser’s control. The lack of external perspectives can leave victims feeling trapped and alone, intensifying their feelings of despair and hopelessness.
4. Trauma Bonding: Narcissistic relationships can create trauma bonds, where the cycle of abuse and intermittent reinforcement of affection or love leads victims to feel a deep emotional attachment to their abuser. This bond is confusing and can make it extraordinarily difficult to break free, as victims may still cling to the positive moments, despite the overwhelming pain caused by the abuse.
5. Long-term Psychological Effects: The effects of narcissistic abuse can extend beyond the duration of the relationship. Many victims experience lingering symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), anxiety, depression, and trust issues. They may struggle to form healthy relationships afterward, fearing abandonment or repeating the cycle of abuse. The scars of narcissistic abuse can require extensive time and therapeutic intervention to heal.
6. Identity Crisis: Victims may lose their sense of identity due to the abuser’s relentless need to control and manipulate. They can become uncertain about their own preferences, beliefs, and values, leading to a profound identity crisis. This can hinder personal growth and make it difficult for them to define their life independently of the relationship.
Conclusion and recovery
Recovering from narcissistic abuse has been a challenging journey for me, but taking intentional steps toward healing has brought me a sense of empowerment and clarity. Here’s how I navigated my recovery:
I acknowledged the abuse: The first step was recognizing and accepting that I had experienced narcissistic abuse. It took me a while to understand the dynamics and the manipulative tactics used, but once I faced this truth, I began to validate my own feelings and experiences.
I educated myself: I dove into research about narcissistic personality disorder and the effects of narcissistic abuse. Understanding the psychology behind the behaviour helped me detach my self-worth from their actions and recognize the patterns I had encountered.
I worked on rebuilding my self-esteem: I accepted that that my sense of self worth had be destroyed so I focused on self-care and self-compassion. I journaled daily, practiced affirmations, and set small goals that allowed me to reclaim my sense of identity and worth. Engaging in activities that brought me joy also became a priority.
Others find value from seeking professional help from a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse however I didn’t go down this route personally.
Video: Inside the mind of the narcissist
Prof. Sam Vaknin provides a fascinating and sometimes chilling insight into the inner workings of the mind of the narcissist. He also breaks down how the narcissist views the victim and explains why the relationship was always doomed to fail from the start.
Book: Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor:
Sam Vaknin is Professor of Clinical Psychology in Cambridge, Birmingham, U.K. He also has a PhD in Physics.
In his book Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor: How to Survive Relationships with Narcissists and Psychopaths.
He discusses topics such as rescue fantasies, malignant optimism, how to love, live with, or abandon a narcissist, narcissistic tactics, relationship dynamics and remaining friends with the narcissist.
You can purchase it here: From Victim to Survivor
Video: Resurrecting yourself after narcissistic abuse.
In this clear and detailed talk Prof. Sam Vaknin, breaks down the 9 principle paths to resurrecting yourself after exposure to narcissistic abuse.
